The new magic number, 97

Sometimes you look back in life regretting the decisions that you have made, wondering where would you be if you took the other path. Sometimes you look back and send a silent prayer to God, thanking him for the wisdom to choose wisely. Sometimes you look back fondly at the triumphs in your life, reveling in pride of your achievements and inflating your ego ever so slightly. But sometimes you look back not at choices that you've made, nor the triumphs in your life. It is not defeat, which indicates that you have tried your best, but rather the lack of it. The meek surrender, the absence of fight, the carelessness in disregarding the need for urgency; these are the moments that will haunt you for the rest of your lives.

Numbers. What a strange thing to have in this world. Just as alphabets allows us to form words that we communicate with each other and convey our thoughts and opinions, numbers allow us to quantify things. Alphabets can form words that are cruel to hear, and numbers too, in different circumstances can be cruel.

75. That represents the magic number I once needed, but failed to achieve. My failure was that I achieved 74. Cruel? Yes indeed. But what did I do about it? I accepted my failure meekly as I have in the past. Should I have fought more? Should I have moved Heaven and Earth? It matters not. I look back now and regret that I did only one thing. Nothing.

97. This represents the new magic number I now need, at least for the foreseeable future. Can I do the impossible? But why would I put myself in such torment? I regret.

Can it be done? It seemed impossible. But I am inspired by a desire to prove certain people wrong. Even if it was borne out of anger and resentment.

Time to bring my A-game. 97, I'm coming to get you. I'll move Heaven and Earth if I have to.

The Little Things That She Forbids

The new semester has only just started a couple of weeks and I already cannot wait for my graduation. Is university life really that bad? No. On the contrary, I believe it is the happiest period in my entire existence. But like all good things there comes bad things, and as usual, it originates from her.

By now you should know who I'm talking about. Today I would like to share with you a glimpse of my life. Most of my friends think that they know how strict she is. But I guess their perception is wrong. Strictness has nothing to do with her behavior. Paranoid is a much better word.

We have had some pretty big clashes before, all of them for little things that you guys take for granted in real life. I see how eager my friend, Jamie wants to go back to her hometown and I wonder when will I ever feel the same way about mine. Not soon judging by today's event.

So there was this Engineering Leadership Program (ELP) that I applied. I spent hours answering their questions and completing the application form, days trying to prepare for the interview once I was shortlisted, but now she act as if I need her permission to accept the offer? Based on what grounds? That if I join this program my semester break plans will change? That I will have to stay back? But I already told her that and she knew it from day 1! Then she said:" I did not give you the permission to join up, I just said try to apply and if you're offered we'll see." I was literally stunned, like a man who suffered concussion I struggled to comprehend her words. My brain felt like it was being plunged into an ice cold bath as my chain of thoughts completely shattered while my speech mechanism temporarily malfunctioned.

Time and time again her capacity to exert control made me lose my temper, but this time it only succeeded in making me sad.I know now that freedom lies with my graduation, and I am struck with the revelation that she will never change, and I will never feel how my friend felt as long as she stays the same.

Absent Parents.

Sweep and mop the floor? Check. Vacuum the carpet? Check. Clean all windows? Check. Make sure toilet without a single spot of dirt? Check. 

This is what usually happens when my parents come to visit me in Subang. This is what it is all about. Making sure that the house is clean. In fact this is what my mom would probably talk about, if we're lucky to have passed her incredibly high standards in cleanliness. And she'll probably ask whether I got do house chores or not on time, check on me and my sister, and check whether our 'statements' tally to each other. My dad would probably be watching TV, pretending to be oblivious to my mom's ongoing inquisition.

This is how my family functions daily. 

Pretty horrible to be honest. A total failure if you ask my opinion. Ask me whether I love my family I will say yes, but not before a slight moment of hesitation. How do you forgive or forget when words as sharp as knives have been traded between us down the years? I'm not going to go into details regarding the fights I've had with my mom and dad (mom more), because if I do that i'm going to need a book to write it all down. But to give you a rough idea, we fought plenty of times down the years. Literally.

My friends always ask me why is my mother so strict on me? I don't know to be honest. I think its her way of comforting herself that she has control over me perhaps? Or maybe she thinks that by being strict she's fulfilling her obligations to my dad. Yes, she thinks taking care of us is an obligation to my father. Never failed to mention it to my face whenever we fight either. For those of you who don't know about my history, she's my stepmother. My real mother passed away when I was 3, and my dad remarried. While she never tortured me, abuse me or do anything to harm me, she wasn't the perfect mother either. She makes sure that I'm well-fed and well taken care of, but that is all that she does in those days. A babysitter who make sure that I do my homework, brush my teeth, eat my veggie and drink enough water each day. 

While my mom (stepmom) make sure that I always toe the line, sad to say my dad was rarely to be seen. If he wasn't working late he'd be having dinner with his clients/friends. Or he'd be drinking in pubs. Back in those days I was terrified of my mom. Yes she was really scary until I grew a pair and start fighting back. Needless to say all those emotional support or close conversation or intimate moments never happened between me and my parents. My dad was literally not there while my mother was never there for me emotionally. In fact I'm afraid to open up in case whatever I tell her she'll take it and use it against me. The things I get into trouble are so unlike the rest of my friends. For example, my friend would be reprimanded for not performing well in school exam. Me? I was a top student in my high school and I was being scolded for things not related to studies at all. For example, I went to my parents' friend's open house on CNY. Parties like these are usually boring and that party was no different. But I met this pretty girl from my school and we chatted for quite a long time. I really liked her a lot and we talked and laughed like we've known each other for years. After she went home, my mom came and cornered me. Incredibly, she start scolding me about why I can talk and laugh with a girl from my school with such ease but can't talk like that to her. Needless to say we got into a fight after we went home, all over a chat I enjoyed with a girl from my school. My dad didn't really stood up for me either.

Parents are responsible for the way their children grow up and in my case it is the same. This fractious relationship that I share with my parents are the direct consequences of the errors and the neglect that they have displayed during my upbringing. I'm not saying I don't love you guys or I'm not coming back home when I graduate. All I'm saying is that all this mess, you only have yourselves to blame.

The Long Absence

Hi there,
It's been so long since I last posted that silly introduction of mine. I'm back now but don't know why it took so long. Maybe I was too dumb to learn how to use blog like how to embed videos and all that crap. I guess the reason why I came back is because I've got a few friends who blog, and it sounds fun. So many things have happened since last year. There are happy times of course, like new friendships being formed, old friendships reconnected, better relationship with family etc. There are also sad times like family arguments and fighting among friends. I've learned and understood so many things. You know those wise quotes that you see on the internet where people like to share? I always knew what they meant but know I understood them. I used to contain a lot of hatred inside me. Like shit loads of resentment just building inside of me, rotting my very personality away. I would think all those unpleasant stuffs and it'll just get worse once I start imagining things. Maybe I want to make it worse. Maybe I want to feel the anger and hatred inside of me. But now the hatred has gone and all the resentment has seeped away. Perhaps I have started to forgive, but then again I'm not sure what was there to forgive in the first place. All I know is that from now onwards, I'm pretty steady :)

About Me.

I'm counting down to the days when I'm rid of my chains